I have been having an FML moment, since last night. I put my key somewhere, I don’t know where. I definitely had them when I came in, else I could not have unlocked the door.

I have now found my keys.

Top 10 places to answer “Where have I put my keys?”

  1. Where I sat: Do not take it for granted you have already looked there. “We tidied up, we moved the chair, I have moved all the cushions, they haven’t fallen out of my pocket, or I would have found them by now” This is exactly where I found my keys this time round, down the side of my chair. This is despite my housemate having changed all of the seat covers and cushion covers, in the last two hours. They fall further down the sides, into the base of the settee. If you have a recliner, They are sat in the back of the flap at the back.
  2. In the pocket: Already checked there too, didn’t you? Unfortunately, if you are like me, you are more stressed than you should be right now. You have been a busy idiot who is so used to feeling around for your keys, when you do feel them, the brain doesn’t engage and realise you are touching the thing you are looking for. You know exactly which pocket you keep them in, only today, they are bunched up with all the other stuff and the other set of keys in your pocket, or they are in a different pocket. Check the clothes you put in the wash and if you are female, your bag.
  3. Her bag: A gentleman never goes into a lady’s bag, ever. A real man doesn’t ever go rifling through her stuff. Besides she’s already checked. The thing is, you are stressed, you are being unreasonable and she doesn’t know how to deal with you right now. You are being an asshole and she just wants you to piss off somewhere else, hopes you’ll find your bloody keys PDQ, so you are out of her way. The thing is, she’s convinced you’re a complete moron and you’ll find them somewhere bloody obvious. and you will, They are in her bag and when you get round to the 20th time of asking her ‘Are you sure the keys are not in your bag?’ and her finally saying ‘Check your bloody self, if you don’t believe me.’ you might have to suck it up, check her bag yourself and then still have to buy her flowers and sweeten her up, because she is in a mood that you didn’t trust her, she is in a worse mood because she has been proved wrong and made to look silly. Your keys were in her bag, but it’s your own  bloody fault for not being organised yourself or carrying a bloody big handbag with you everywhere, mostly full of crap.
  4. In the fridge/ freezer. NO LESS THAN THREE OR FOUR TIMES, during the time that my Fiancee was pregnant, she lost her keys. I had become used to her baby brain and it got to the stage where that was the first and last place I needed to look for her keys. And she had the typical bunch of keys with the mini teddy bear attached. The kind of bunch of keys one would think it impossible to lose.
  5. In the shopping. You just did the heroic march to the car with 9 bags of shopping, all in one trip from driveway to house so you didn’t have to go back out again and even managed to close the boot of the car with your elbow. You’re not going to have to go back and forth for a few bags at a time. But then you have that moment, ‘Where have I put my keys?’, you then run in and out of the house several times, checking yo haven’t left the keys in the boot of the car. Some must have walked past, someone must have taken them out. Oh god, they’re going to come back later and try and steal the car. You must find those keys now. Unfortunately that has become your new mission and you get more panicked because the ice cream and all the freezer stuff is going to melt, if you don’t find your keys soon. STOP. Pack away the shopping instead, they’re going to be in the bag you left in the under stairs cupboard, with your purse/wallet/mobile, the black bin liners and the cleaning stuff for the bathroom, you were going to take up later. Either that or in the bag with the bread and the eggs. If you’ve already packed the frozen, when you realise you don’t have your keys, see #4 and look in the fridge/freezer.
  6. In the front door. Yep. That’s right, they have been hanging out of the front door since you came in, but you closed the door, because you had your hands full with the 42 inch TV, you just picked up from the sales and couldn’t get it in without closing the door.
  7. In the boot of the car? You locked the car did’t you? So they CANNOT be there. Except, if you are stupid enough to lose your keys and end up reading this post, this far. There is a good chance your car is sat in the driveway, completely unlocked, with the keys sticking out the boot hatch lock, or in the ignition, if you have a boot release in the car.
  8. The drawer noone uses – You have no idea how, you arrived home drunk, you were looking for the pizza cutter, or the wine stopper you never use either and you swapped your keys over for that essential bit of kit, you only use when you arrive home pissed at midnight.
  9. Where they should be. That’s right, you know they are not on the hook, because you came in and went straight onto doing something like putting up a shelf you just bought from B&Q, or fixing a bike. You have checked your toolbox, The carrier bag with the screws and fixings/parts you just bought, but you cannot find them anywhere. But you know they are definitely not on the hook. Someone else was trying to be helpful when they hing them up in the right place for you.
  10. The exact same freaking place you found them, when you lost them last time. But if you could bloody remember where that was, you wouldn’t be reading this post, would you?

SUMMARY:

Where have I put my keys?

Quick List.
1.Where I sat, 2. In my pocket, 3. Her bag, 4.In the fridge/ freezer, 5. In the shopping, 6. In the front door, 7. in the car boot, 8. The drawer noone uses, 9. Where they should be, 10. The same place you FOUND them the last time you lost them.

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